24.4.16

#589 I look for answers...If I don't laugh and smile there is fear of howling like a baby.


These last few weeks I've been dealing with some pretty intense fears. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm only human and fear rears it’s ugly head in my life too. Whilst every post I try and be positive for you all, today my fear has taken hold and I wanted to share. 

Way back I mentioned that my mother was suffering from severe dementia and well she's a stubborn woman if I must say and wasn't meant to last past Christmas. Two Christmas later, it happens again and the call goes out to the family that her body is shutting down. Again now we are in April and she fighting with all her life but still whenever we make plans (those plans), she fights with all her strength...

Whilst my mother is available to see not like some of my friends who have lost their loved ones, I look at my mother who is now blind, tell her that I love her, hold her hand, wipe her face, kiss her head, and tell her I am always by her side. My mother you see is my heart. I share stories and even though she nods, I am not sure she understands who I am and what I am saying to her. Mum did everything for me and did it well. I never looked for anything, I had the best upbringing, and without her love I wouldn't be the same as I am now. In saying that my mother she can't talk, she can't feed herself, she can't wash herself, she has no independence and gives the nurses hell. I guess I would do the same. 

My fear apart from losing her.. I now have another shock of fear and that is my father now has been diagnosed with dementia, and his dementia is progressing quite rapidly. My father is in the same position my mother was in a few years back. To explain my father is my rock. I have accepted my mother's dementia and whilst the tears flow every time I see her, I am in complete shock that the doctors – specialists now state my father has moderate dementia as well and will need to go to a home now. I honestly can't cope. 

Well, I've noticed a few things about fear over the last few weeks. The first thing is our reluctance to feel it. There is so MUCH god-damn resistance and dogma around fear. First up, it’s pretty much viewed as a sign of weakness if you admit to anyone that you’re scared or experiencing fear. I never call out for help myself, and admit that I broke down last week at work when i heard the news from the doctors.

Yet we ALL feel it. No one wants to admit it, so we bury it away and deny it’s own very existence. The problem with that is – the more you hide it, the stronger it gets. Fear for me is my life changing a direction I can't control. My father being the hero in my life, my heart wants to explode as I hear him stumble for words and memory loss quite significant, repeating his stories over and over again. When all I want to do is scream, shake him and tell him to wake up. I went through these emotions with my mother and eventually accepted it. I know I can't do any of the above to Dad, so I hold back the tears when I see him, only to howl like a baby that I now have two parents that need care and whilst my mother does not know who I am and hasn't for quite some time, my fear takes hold will I ever be able to accept my father not recognizing me in a few months.. My fear in this case is shock. Denial that life can be this mean. Understanding to overcome this fear I have to be strong, but will I be able to cope with the change that is most definitely coming....

Amidst the backdrop of Neva River, with some added scenery from Little Branch with their new LB_HoneyTree, and  LB_SpringBrise_v2 {With Flowers Menu} @ Lost and Found.
Wearing the gorgeous new outfit from Clef de Peau called "Sarah", sitting upon the delicately made Farum furniture set in brown from Elysium @ Shiny Shabby, with the stunning new hair from Moon called "Uma" @ Black Fashion Fair, and some other exciting items available to you right now, I bring to you our destinations for today: - 
Link direct to stores at Shiny Shabby are included for you below.


Dress: - Clef de Peau Outlet.Sarah Ruffled Dress.Creme (New) @ Shiny Shabby
Hair: - Moon. Hair. // Code Uma - (New) @ Black Fashion Fair
Necklace: - Chrysta Silver by Tracei - (New) @ The Lost and Found
Chair: -Elysium - Farum furniture set - brown - (New) @ Shiny Shabby
Honey Tree: - LB_HoneyTree{Seasons} @ (New) @  Lost and Found
SpringBrise: - LB_SpringBrise_v2{With Flowers Menu} (New) Lost and Found
Wild Grass: - LB_WildGrass*1Li{Dry} (New) Lost and Found
Face:LeLutka Mesh Head-STELLA 1.3 with Glam Affair

Pose: - Bauhaus Movement - Peace

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