1.9.18

#806 Why...


I think my Dad is an extraordinary man. He has always been a great people-person and made many friends all over the world. My Dad retired at the age of 65 to celebrate life together with his love, my mum. I remember sitting outside my Dad’s office when I was a child, sitting on what I called the naughty chair with my pig tails and school uniform listening to my Dad’s banter, watching how he oozed authority and how he managed his employees with laughter and humor and they all adored him. My Dad was my hero and forever will be. 

My whole life has been focused on awakening to spiritual experience... At the young, but wise, age of 10 I was absolutely driven to discover answers to life’s perennial questions: “Who am I? What am I doing here? Who are we? What is the purpose of life?” Like a bird dog focused on playing ball, I held a one-pointed focus, always asking lots and lots of questions.

About 10 years ago, my Dad said to me, I don’t think your mum is ok, she is forgetting a lot lately. Sadly, my worst reality and awakening happened where I lost my mother three years ago, to Alzheimer's. My Dad at this point and perhaps before but never noticed it, said “Do you think there’s something wrong with me? I can’t seem to remember much anymore...My strong, capable and talented father who not only was an awesome manager to some 1000+ employees but also was a mesmerizing baritone singer. This strong man that I love and adore, now spends his time focused on staring at a wall, totally oblivious to his surroundings. 

I cherish each day the fleeting moments that I get where I can walk in and he says, “I haven’t seen you for months” when I was only there the day before.  My awareness of life, and what happened to mum makes me understand that time is only fleeting with my father. To cherish the moments that he remembers me, and spend as much time with him as possible.  

I understand that death is a natural part of life. Dementia is a natural part of this cycle.  I realized that Dad’s complete lack of awareness that he has dementia was designed that way. Part of the function that dementia serves is that the person undergoing it also loses the cognitive awareness of their failing mind. When we sit and talk now it is extremely simple. The discussion of politics, worldly affairs or any of his past memories no longer works. We sit together in the moment. We look out the window at the birds flying by, the beauty of the trees, the blue of the sky. This is enough. We sit quietly together. He holds my hand, still to this day with a strong grip and gives me lots of hugs and I love him more than ever. 

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Taken at Luanes Magical World  


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